Bad Glasses
Mr. Optometrist? I think there is something wrong with my glasses. Yes. I know it’s the end of the day, but I was here earlier this week and you said I was “all set,” when I am not set at all. I am having monumental problems with my glasses.
Yes, I would very much like to lower my voice and come back to your office. Thank you.
It’s just, when I wear your glasses they make me want to scream out and tear my clothes off and run through the streets, punching cars and grabbing birds out of the air. The very second I put them on, this happens. I hear a deep echoing voice that says, “Do you want to feel acid in your veins and snakes in your brain baby boy?” My skin crawls with fear and my eyes glaze over and I black out. Often, but not always, my…. you know, becomes fully… you know.
Yes, I am sure it is because of the glasses. What else would it be? My brain? I doubt it. I haven’t had issues with my brain since I was in a small helicopter accident last year. More of a helicopter fender bender really. Two helicopters collided, I was the only survivor. So, it must be these lenses, or perhaps the frames.
I am not even trying to seek retribution for my arrest yesterday. Which my lawyer advises I should do. He believes it is solely your fault because you prescribed me these flawed spectacles.
What happened was, I heard the voice while at work and immediately stripped naked. I jumped onto the top of the copier and screamed, “Rice-A-Roni the San Francisco Whore!” I flipped open my lighter, causing the sprinkler system to go off. And as people ran out, I punched holes in their computer monitors. Why? Because each monitor was displaying a different lewd picture of the virgin mary. At least, that’s what I saw through these darn glasses.
I would like a new pair of lenses and I do not want to be charged for them. A restocking fee? Are you kidding me? After what I have been through? This is classic bad business behavior. My wife, who passed away in that fender bender, would be outraged right now.
You know, the voice that makes me go insane is usually unintelligible, but he did have a point last night. He said “The sinner who sold you this gateway to hell wants to corrupt your soul, only stealing his eyes will end your pain.” Then I drilled through my ceiling into my elderly neighbor’s apartment and blew smoke into her kitchen through a straw. I spent the rest of the night explaining democracy to my ant farm. They didn’t take to it, but I’ll keep trying. But maybe I should steal your eyes. Hmm? Would I have to pay a restocking fee then?
Oh, I need to leave now. Thanks a lot. Yeah, thanks for nothing. Okay, I’m going. Geez. Actually, can you hand me my glasses. Thank you. “For I am the anti-christ, now is my time to sip of the blood of the unforgiven.” Hey Woo! Why are my clothes off? Did you let me put them on? What is wrong with you? Seriously! I killed a bluebird earlier.
