Zappos Email
Zappos regrets to inform you…
That your credit card information has been compromised by a hacker who broke into one of our unsecured third-party discount servers.
You’re probably asking “What was my financial information doing on an unsecured third-party discount server???” First off - we don’t like your tone.
Second - We don’t keep your information on our impregnable Fort Knox ServerTM, because that is reserved for our wealthy, high volume customers. The ones who spend a lot of money on our site and therefore, matter the most. We really take care of those guys.
We apologize that this is the way of the world, but rich people get better service, better protection and certain privileges. Prettier dogs, for example.
Case & Point - You don’t see a lot of rich people serving death sentences, do you? They get 5-10 for aggravated assault and do 3 1/2 with good behavior.
The next step? You’ll need to reset your password in order to continue buying the same pair of New Balance sneakers every two years.
For a safer shopping experience, we recommend that you go back to college to obtain a degree that is useful in today’s society. Doctor, engineer, IT administrator, or health care claim processor. “Freelance DJ” is not a career. Then, we can move you to the good server. Plus, you’ll get a 401k, dental insurance and the respect of your parents.
Rich people live marvelous lives. Is that what scares you about making money? Did you think they were worse off? That’s not the case at all. No, no, no.
Case & Point - The thread count on king sized silk sheets is ridiculously high. Oh, and their dogs - just stunning. They make your mutt look like a pile of garbage.
Now the Bad News…
We are also required to inform you that the hacker obtained some personal information during his intrusion. Including but not limited to - shipping & billing info, high school photo, parent’s middle names and blood type.
That information we kept in the Zappos hotmail account. And unfortunately, the password for that account was simply, “password.” To be honest, we didn’t really see the need to protect your personal information because your life has so little cultural value.
Case & Point – All of our Presidents have been millionaires. Every single one (when you adjust for inflation – do you even know how to do that?) And who is more culturally significant that the guy in charge of everyone?
So, please get your shit together so we can protect your financial information.
Thanks so much “valued” customer,
The Zappos Team
