This is your Co-Pilot speaking
Ladies and Gentlemen this is your co-pilot speaking…. As our captain made abundantly clear, we are going to try a water landing in just a couple minutes…. We have lost pressure in our fuel tank and our engines will soon fail…. Sky Law requires me to make an announcement, and since we all may parish ….What the hell…. I’ll make it good….
My wife cheated on me four years ago…. that wasn’t great…. but it also let me get revenge sex with her cousin…. so that’s not bad….the captain is trying to take the microphone away but he knows he has too much steering to do right now…. so he should just deal with it….
My boy, Tommy… sweet kid…. got in debt with online gambling… that’s actually why I’m working this Christmas weekend instead of taking it easy with a fat cigar and the history channel…. I hope the black box reveals how much I blame him for my death…. also I know he smokes pot….
Roger that, initiating emergency sequence Beta…. Oh boy, so I was hunting with my brother and we accidentally shot another hunter and he didn’t die, so my brother finished him off….. so that we wouldn’t lose our licenses…. that felt great to get off my chest….
Once, when I worked as a waiter I dropped an omelet on the ground…. I still served it to the guy…
Turns out you can’t feed a dog chocolate…. as much as you think that’s an urban legend…. it is super true ….and your wife will be pissed….
Your captain keeps telling the control tower that I’m hysterical…. that isn’t true, I’m just depressed and a little drunk… you’d be surprised how little they check for that….
I immediately sold the shares in Apple computers that my parents gave me in 1986 so that I could purchase a Beta Max….
Ladies and Gentlemen…. Captain shit mouth wants you to know that we will begin our descent towards the water in about 30 secs…. he’d also like you to know that he eats poop…. hahaha, no you shut up….
I interrupted my best friends wedding to tell the entire church that I had eaten Indian food for the first time recently… it did not impress them like I thought it would… but in my defense, my dog had died that morning….
Well… here we go folks… I can hear some of you praying… and I’d like you to know that there is no God…. I killed him…. so good luck….
Also… if anyone survives tell my ex-wife that I love her…. I don’t really…. but it’ll mess with her head for a long time….
And we seem to be fine….shit….
