Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos
Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos,
I take personal offense to your rejection of my hilarious video. Did you reject it because of the untimely death of my brother towards the end of the video? Because you could work around that. That’s not the funny part.
The funny thing was the dirt biking accident. Assuming you watched it, which I doubt you did, let me explain why its so darn funny. Me and Tom, that’s my dead brother, were just sitting around on the porch drinkin millers and talking about the time he slept with that girl with the wood foot. The asian one.
Frank comes over after a couple hours with a case of Budweiser (his dad used to work for bud, otherwise I’d kick his ass out for that) and gets on our butts about being a couple of fat asses, which we aren’t. He’s fatter than we are and his ass knows it. But he won’t stop talking, so we get up and go out back to shut him up.
Tom shows Frank the dirt bike he borrowed from Ryan’s uncle, who’s a big contractor. He did a bunch of hauling for him, so he got to borrow the dirt bike for a couple weeks. Tom bet me that I couldn’t jump it over a oil drum. Now I’ll admit, I was a little overconfident, almost busted my head, but I landed that shit. You know?
So we did a shot of Beam and then it was my turn to dare Tom, just doing what we always did as kids. Just playin. So I said lets get the fire going and you gotta jump the fire and do a shot in the air. He was wasted so he was like, hell yeah. And now at this point is when Frank grabbed his video camera and started rolling. So you see what happens after.
So we light up the fire, set up the jump and give Tom the shot glass. You hear us all laughing and you hear Frank behind the camera, throwing up. That alone was funny as shit, ya know? Maybe you could make that it’s own video? I dunno. So Tom guns it and starts going up the ramp but the dang ramp breaks. Haha. He did eat three Jimmy Deans for breakfast that morning.
Then the front wheel of the bike gets caught up in the ramp launching Tom right into the fire. Oh lord, I pissed my pants when that happened. I mean that fat son of a bitch broke the steel rimmed fire pit. Now this is where you should cut the video and let the host make some joke like “I wouldn’t want him at my BBQ.” You know, something like that, I’m not a writer.
Bad stuff started to happen after this point and Frank didn’t stop the camera and I don’t know how to edit parts out. Otherwise I woulda done it myself. Tom caught on fire immediately, aided by that shot of good Beam we gave him. So he started flailing around. I tried to put him out but then the bike was still on and running, kicking up dirt and shit and it got in my eyes. I couldn’t see nothin.
From the video tape I see that Tom kept burning and screaming and ultimately dieing… that part was just sad.
I didn’t want to say this in our original submission, didn’t want to look like I was culling favor, but we need that 100,000 dollar grand prize to pay for his funeral. And to pay his wife some money. And to pay Ryan’s uncle back for the dirt bike cause you saw it exploded right next to my brother’s head at the end. So please sir, please reconsider how damn funny my brother’s death was. Thank you kindly.
P.S.
Go Miller Lite!
