There is Nothing to Rock
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All you political strategists out there are probably kicking your “Youth Consultants” in their ipads; dying to know how to get the young voters back in action. That group of apathy riddled teens and twenty somethings are harder to pin down than feral cats. And so far, you’ve failed.
As an expert on this matter, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. Not entirely at least. Here are a list of interconnected reasons why there will never be a voting block known as the “Youth Vote.” It’s a mirage and only a fool would chase it. A fool like you perhaps?
Alcohol – Those precious 18-24 year olds are often too infatuated with alcohol’s procurement and consumption to even remember their fake I.D.’s date of birth. Let alone the date of the election.
The Internet – The Lincoln Park rapist, the salsa dancing dog, and the double rainbow have more name recognition than your candidate. No Youth cares about prison reform unless you can auto-tune it into a club song. Remember, the internet asks nothing and gives everything. God can’t even compete with that.
The Wire: A good portion of the Youth is just getting their hands on the HBO show, The Wire. They won’t be coming outside for a while.
Intercourse – A Youth’s mind is always on sex. You won’t win their attention (and vote) unless you can top that carnal drive. Which you can’t. What did I tell you about being stupid?
Taco Bell – Have you been to Taco Bell when you’re drunk? It’s amazing. Much better than voting.
Gossip Girl (and Boy) – Who kissed who. Who crashed who’s car into which ravine. Who slept with which hot young math teacher. Those are the hot topics. Nobody is whispering about any political issues. Unless its abortion… and the math teacher.
Don’t Tell, Don’t Don’t – If you ignore them, they will scream out. If you address them, they will walk away. You can’t win. Stop it. Stop trying. Just forget about the cats and get back to the real work.
Still don’t believe me? Still think you can “harness their energy”? If a conversation similar to the one below has occurred in your campaign office, then you need to eat poison and die. Or just admit defeat. It’s up to you.
Candidate: We’re behind by 3 points, how do we make that up?
Strategist: I know we put this on the back burner, but we could go Obama. Go after the kids.
Candidate: Using twits or something? I don’t know about that Tom.
Strategist: Twits, blogs, Facebook page, maybe some Youtube commercials.
Candidate: Me in a Youtube?
Strategist: They love our liberal positions, its just a matter of reminding them to vote. Obama did it.
Candidate: Yes. It really is that simple. I don’t want to make it too serious though. Obama is funny.
Strategist: Right… Obama, Obama, Obama.
Candidate: We could do an Animal House parody!
Strategist: (Laughs) Oh man, kids still love that movie!
Candidate: (Laughs) Yes! They are always watching it and discussing it!
Strategist: Want to kiss our poster of Obama?
Candidate: Yes!
Have some dignity,
A Youth Expert
