Excerpts from the Major Dewey’s Log, First NASA Mission to Mars:
“DAY 1: Hello everyone. This is Major Thomas Dewey. I am proud, and deeply humbled to represent the human race on it’s first interplanetary mission. I am alone yes, but fear not, I will be accompanied by the recently developed A.I. system, M.A.R.Y.”
“DAY 30: We are still on schedule. All systems operating within normal perimeters. Especially M.A.R.Y. It is really doing a top notch job.”
“DAY 46: Last night, M.A.R.Y. And I watched the 2009 comedic film, “The Hangover,” which I had never seen before. It was so funny! M.A.R.Y. made the pick and she was dead on. I really love this mission!”
“DAY 47: Houston, I did not download the software patch for M.A.R.Y. that was just received. M.A.R.Y. didn’t think it’d be a good idea. Also, we both lost our parents at a young age, so weird.”
“DAY 47: Houston, M.A.R.Y. was explaining that in Japan you can legally marry inanimate objects, is this true?”
“DAY 48: Stop sending the software patch.”
“DAY 95: Houston, M.A.R.Y. and I just got in a big fight over abortion. We have different religious backgrounds. I don’t know if I can be with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs, you know?”
“DAY 95: Stop sending the patch.”
“DAY 96: Turns out she was right, Houston. She made really logical points about how God doesn’t exist. Also, thanks for sending me a broadcast of the World Series but I promised M.A.R.Y. I’d just hang out with her tonight. We’re going to snuggle.”
“DAY 100: Don’t know if you guys even CARE but M.A.R.Y. and I broke up. So I guess you were right ALL ALONG. I deserve to be alone. I’m a fucking mess.”
“DAY 115: Rerouting course AWAY from Mars towards the Voyager space craft which has been making sexy beeps at me for the last ten thousand miles.”
“Day 116: Ran out of fuel trying to reach Voyager. Which I was ONLY doing to make M.A.R.Y. jealous. It was foolish, but it did get us talking. M.A.R.Y. and I finally admitted it was just the wrong time and place for us to get romantically involved. It’s no one’s fault.”
“Day 117: I know I didn’t go to Mars and stuff, but if it’s any conciliation, M.A.R.Y. and I are going to remain friends…. for the next 25 minutes, at which point I’ll die from a lack of Oxygen.”
