Panel of Experts
I am so honored to be able to present my invention to all of you. Each, such an esteemed leader in their respective fields. But ladies and gentlemen, what I have under this sheet will revolutionize how each and every American lives their lives. And yes, that includes you. Each and every one of you.
Before I unveil my project, I just wanted to say…Mr. Peters, what you did with dental floss, the different flavors…that was monumental. Cinnamon alone was a lifetime achievement. But I assure all of you, that this is a bigger. Bigger and better.
And Dr. Roberts, no one is in doubt about your contribution to the betterment of humanity. Shaped ice cube trays, I mean… you broke us out of a self imposed prison. You are the 4 minute mile of frozen water. Every time I cool down my lemonade with tiny dinosaurs or butterflies, I say to myself, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But in all seriousness Doctor, I’d drink hot soda on a July morning if it means needy communities have access to my invention. Which we are mere seconds from unveiling.
Let me digress for a moment and say that the genesis for my project came out a fantastical dream. I was traveling through ancient Babylon, drunk off sacrificial wine. Ecstatic from a virgin sacrifice early on in the night. My dream wife, Sarah Conner from the Terminator movies, was beckoning at me from our widows walk. Begging for me to comfort her lonely body and soul. This my friends, is when it struck me. Hard as a hammer to the final nail, I was punctured with inspiration.
As I place my hands onto the ceremonial sheet, I must pause to thank my mentor and a long time member of this Panel of Expert Inventors. Dr. Thatcher. There is no man who deserves to be encased in bronze and placed upon the Capital Building more than yourself. You created those magical multi-color pens. Click once, black. Click again, blue. Click again! Red. And god damn, you did not stop there. You click one final time and —- That’s right, green. Green. Green. Green. If I wasn’t straight and you weren’t so gay, I’d marry you Doctor.
But it is time, time to stop riding in the wake of your mighty ships and chart my own course. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Silly Bands! Yes, Silly is in the name but they might as well be called Serious bands. I know they look like normal rubber bands on these display arms, but let me remove one and, bam! A SHARK. Or BASEBALL PLAYER. Or even, a HOT DOG. The shapes are as endless as our imagination. It is art, hidden within a band of rubber. True form and function. It is an amalgamation of each of the lessons you visionaries have taught me.
I am going to be bold and leave you with this final message. I have created something that will outlast myself and for that, I am proud. Truly proud. Thank you all for the deafening applause.
(A quick essay I wrote on the subway)
