January 2012
2 posts
Zappos Email
Zappos regrets to inform you… That your credit card information has been compromised by a hacker who broke into one of our unsecured third-party discount servers. You’re probably asking “What was my financial information doing on an unsecured third-party discount server???” First off - we don’t like your tone. Second - We don’t keep your information on our...
A Clash of Dishes
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They rode out for the parlay, but there was little to discuss. There was the question of when the killing would start - but all else was mere formality.
“No knights at your side. How bold.” Tiffany spoke in a brash voice. Quick - and to the point. Her steel armor spoke for her. Inlaid with the gold markings of her House. The House of Prada. Two high heeled shoes, toe to toe. Gold on cold...
October 2011
1 post
Excerpts from the Major Dewey's Log, First NASA...
“DAY 1: Hello everyone. This is Major Thomas Dewey. I am proud, and deeply humbled to represent the human race on it’s first interplanetary mission. I am alone yes, but fear not, I will be accompanied by the recently developed A.I. system, M.A.R.Y.”
“DAY 30: We are still on schedule. All systems operating within normal perimeters. Especially M.A.R.Y. It is really doing a top notch...
September 2011
1 post
A Troubled Night Along the Manzanares River By...
(Here follows an unreleased and unfinished short story by Ernest Hemingway. It is not appropriate for all readers.)
The man watched Robert Smith shift uncomfortably. He was not nervous, for there was no danger in this delivery. Something else was troubling him. When Robert Smith shifted again and crossed his legs, the man spoke.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Fine, yes. I just want to finish our...
June 2011
2 posts
“Landslide” Was About an Ice Cream Sundae I Was...
“Landslide” Was About an Ice Cream Sundae I Was Eating
By Stevie Nicks
I’d like to set the record straight. Often in the history of rock and roll, folk lore turns to fact if you give it enough time. Jimi Hendrix never set his guitar on fire at Monterey, the Beatles never sang on the roof of Apple Corps, and my song “Landslide” is not about me contemplating my life while starring up at...
Mixed European, White Guys & Girls from the...
Sunday, July 14th will mark the first annual “Mixed European, White Guys & Girls from the Suburbs, Pride Parade.” A celebration of the shared cultural heritage of millions of individuals whose relatives immigrated to the United States, so that their kids could one day attend Tufts or Hofstra University, and study Media Arts.
The parade was created to fill a void left by other more inclusive...
May 2011
4 posts
Conversations Between A Drunk Guy and A Piece of...
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Guy: There’s nothing I want more than to be with you – right now.
Pizza: Nothing in the world?
Guy: Maybe to be with two of you at once, or to fold you into a calzone and eat you with a fork.
Pizza: That sounds hot.
Guy: Literally, yes. It will be.
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Pizza: It’s hard for me to look at you when you drink so much, my dad was an alcoholic.
Guy: Baby, please. I’m...
Roosevelt - Short Story
Below is the first chapter of my new short story. It’s only going to be three chapters, but I wanted to do something different than my normal stupid essays. The other two chapters will come out eventually.
It’s about Zombies. Love. And stuff.
Check it out. Yo.
Roosevelt: A Short Story (Chp.1/3)
Roosevelt
Chapter 1
It was July 4th, 2008. No work. My plan was to get foolishly drunk. Then watch the fireworks explode over the Brooklyn Bridge. Back in the 60s, they used to do the fireworks on the Hudson, but who wants to give New Jersey a free show? The East River is the city’s river, they should be there. It connects everything. Everything except Staten Island, but then again, going to or...
Dogs for Sale (Not Cats)
Dogs for sale! Cute, adorable dogs are for sale by owner for $100 dollars each. These dogs have all the qualities you are looking for in a canine companion. They are fuzzy, need little-to-no attention, and best of all, they are terrific climbers.
I know everyone in this town is overrun with cats, but these are not cats. No way. These are playful dogs, who will protect your home with their...
April 2011
4 posts
Bad Glasses
Mr. Optometrist? I think there is something wrong with my glasses. Yes. I know it’s the end of the day, but I was here earlier this week and you said I was “all set,” when I am not set at all. I am having monumental problems with my glasses.
Yes, I would very much like to lower my voice and come back to your office. Thank you.
It’s just, when I wear your glasses they make me want...
CASTING NOTICE: MAN/WOMAN (30s) with REAL...
If you are able to call, come to the audition, email us, or fax a headshot, WE DO NOT WANT YOU.
Thanks,
-Linda-
Central Casting
5 Easy Ways to Cure a Hangover:
5 Easy Ways to Cure a Hangover:
Don’t go out drinking in the first place. Instead, stay home and read one of the original Sherlock Holmes novels.
Don’t go out drinking in the first place. Call up your old college roommate and reconnect, turns out that his creative agency is looking for a new account manager, and you were looking for a new job. Take the job.
...
I Want To Buy The "Jurassic Park" Assets
Chet Murphy
President and CEO
Sunlight Horizons Hedge Fund
Palo Alta, California
TO: InGen Legal Counsel
I would like to purchase the remaining assets of the Cloud Island Project that your company undertook in the early...
March 2011
3 posts
Settlement Agreement: Tenant Dispute
This document represents a settlement between Brian Reynolds, hereafter known as, The Knight of Righteousness and Travis Foley, hereafter known as, Satan’s Sex Doll.
Satan’s Sex Doll is required to pay Knight of Righteousness in the amount of Six Hundred Dollars ($600) for the back rent on the apartment that they shared at 214 E. 4th St. New York, NY 10010.
The amount originally...
A Misinformed Guide to figuring out Real Irish...
A Misinformed Guide to figuring out Real Irish from Fake Irish on St. Patty’s Day:
The REAL Irish will be wearing all green, even their shoes and eyebrows. Not just some green or a little green, like a tie. Green is really important to the Irish culture because grass is green and there is a lot of it in Ireland. More than any other country.
The REAL Irish will be laughing a lot...
Pokemon Fan Club
Dear PIKAAAACHU1MILLION,
I regret to inform you that we cannot accept you into the Pokemon Fan Club. Normally, we respond to the thousands of applications that we receive each month with a congratulatory form letter and a membership packet. Unfortunately, I cannot do that today. I was too confused and upset by your answers to our questionnaire and I must make you the first person we’ve...
February 2011
1 post
Helpful Cooking Tips: Tomato Soup
(The following was originally published in Delicious Food Magazine)
Five ingredients that are NOT a part of Tomato Soup:
Gasoline – Gasoline is easy to find and though it can be expensive, it is instrumental in making your car run. However, it is not a proper way to add flavor to your Tomato Soup. Gasoline is both foul tasting and poisonous. It will kill you if consumed. Don’t...
January 2011
4 posts
Texts From A Guy (who just killed his mistress) To...
“I might be late, my friend Mike from college is here, who you don’t know. Beer, and going bowling with him. Sorry, make it up to you later.”
“Hey, ah, hey, Don’t call me. Can I just call you later? Bad time.”
“Tell the kids that Daddy loves them. No matter what happens.”
“That last text was not regarding anything specific, just a general I love you. Also do you know if the river...
Cooking for Your Part Time Daughter
This is the LAST post I will be making to “Cooking for Your Part Time Daughter.” I know the blog has caught fire the last few months, but I don’t care. Sorry NYTimes, can’t link to my blog anymore! I can’t take the shit going on. This post was going to be about utilizing pork, the “other white meat”, but now it’s not. Now it’s about OTHER SHIT. Hope your happy...
One of my Essays on McSweeneys!
One of the essays from this blog is now also on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
Check it out here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2011/1/7ford.html
Can I Eat Your Child?
Miss? I know this might sound weird, but can I eat your child? Its just, you seem to be having a really difficult time controlling him and I’m quite hungry. He’s just been whining and screaming about not getting the kind of chocolate milk he wants. I mean that is ridiculous. In the middle of a supermarket. Let’s take care of him right now. Give him to me.
Did you know, on...
November 2010
5 posts
I'd like to buy your novel good sir!
Yes! You there! The one with the lukewarm small coffee and the laptop! I would love to purchase whatever it is you have been working on. I see you here everyday. I take notice. You probably think no one is cataloging your daily toils. That no one is going to reward you for just showing up everyday at this Coffee House, pumping out half a page, and then listening to internet radio. How dreadfully...
10 Great Threats to Say to Someone You Hate
10 Great Threats to Say to Someone You Hate:
I’m going to frame you for murder!
I will engineer a gene defect and put it into your DNA!
In the near future, I’m going to destroy your credit!
I’m going to put a snake inside your coffee maker!
I’ll cripple your son who’s bound for a sports scholarship at a great college!
I’ll unhook...
A Memo to All D&B Employees
Dave & Busters
To: All Employees
From: Bob (Night Manager)
Memo: Concerning Your Concern for Our Customers
I know everyone on the staff has been pretty upset that so many people have been coming out the last few weeks for the “Eat, Drink & Play” combo, but I can’t tell you this to you enough; those people want to be here. Really. I promise.
I think everyone just needs to take...
This is your Co-Pilot speaking
Ladies and Gentlemen this is your co-pilot speaking…. As our captain made abundantly clear, we are going to try a water landing in just a couple minutes…. We have lost pressure in our fuel tank and our engines will soon fail…. Sky Law requires me to make an announcement, and since we all may parish ….What the hell…. I’ll make it good….
My wife cheated on me...
Tweets from Inside the Womb
“So warm and cozy. People say the world sucks but I just don’t see it.”
“@Mom PLEASE stop blasting Beethoven, it’s just making me want to develop less.”
“Do I even poop now? Like what happens with all that?”
“It’s been 98.6 degrees in here for the last 9 months, where the fuck is winter?”
“ RT @kanyewest hoooold up… last question… does the devil wear...
October 2010
5 posts
Dear America's Funniest Home Videos
Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos,
I take personal offense to your rejection of my hilarious video. Did you reject it because of the untimely death of my brother towards the end of the video? Because you could work around that. That’s not the funny part.
The funny thing was the dirt biking accident. Assuming you watched it, which I doubt you did, let me explain why its so darn...
Conversations Between a Baseball and a Bat
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-Hey I’m going to be coming in pretty fast.
-Oh, I’ll back off then, thanks for the heads up man.
-No problem.
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-Its weird, if I get in the dirt at all, they change me out.
-Don’t want to get any dirt on the bat. Makes sense to me.
-Look at you all high and mighty, go fuck yourself.
-Chill dude, it’s just a game.
–
-I was reading this article on wind...
I'm Making Sure I Get a Nightmare
I’m not like every other guy. I’m a guy who enjoys nightmares. I love the thrill; those ultra realistic feelings of paranoia and pain. They get me going in all the right ways. The only problem with wanting nightmares is that they aren’t predictable, you never know when one will come about. And I need a fix more than once a month.
So, I’ve prepared a checklist of ways to...
Conversations Between Two Old People
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-Did you ever drive by your son’s house and see that he was home but then when you call, he doesn’t pick up?
-All the time.
-Me too.
-Well, you did just describe the situation to me. You probably have done it.
-Could have been hypothetical.
-I’m too close to death to have this argument.
–
-If I fire broke out in the home, what would you save?
-The picture of my...
There is Nothing to Rock
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All you political strategists out there are probably kicking your “Youth Consultants” in their ipads; dying to know how to get the young voters back in action. That group of apathy riddled teens and twenty somethings are harder to pin down than feral cats. And so far, you’ve failed.
As an expert on this matter, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. Not entirely at...
September 2010
2 posts
Help is on the Way!
“Help is on the way. Don’t worry, no, don’t worry about it.. I’ll get you out of the closet you locked yourself in. Okay… I’ll call you when I’m off the subway. Bye.”
And I’m off. Just need to throw pants on. And a shirt. And socks. No! Screw socks! I can wear shoes without socks to save my best friend. Well, not if I don’t want these shoes to...
Panel of Experts
I am so honored to be able to present my invention to all of you. Each, such an esteemed leader in their respective fields. But ladies and gentlemen, what I have under this sheet will revolutionize how each and every American lives their lives. And yes, that includes you. Each and every one of you. Before I unveil my project, I just wanted to say…Mr. Peters, what you did with dental...
November 2009
1 post
Please, Have a Piece!
Please, everyone, enjoy a piece of this delicious chocolate cake. If everything has gone according to my instructions, the cake (and this note), are sitting on the counter in the break room. Eat and be merry. I could not bring myself to personally deliver this homemade creation, but my loyal assistant, Brian, has taken care of everything. It’s my gift to all of you after a long, difficult, and...
September 2009
8 posts
All "I" Can Eat
I suppose there isn’t a clear indicator, an elementary style grading system, which would have defined success or failure in this endeavor. A chorus of half drunken frat boys might chime in that I should have “eaten all the fucking ribs in the world.” A ridiculous notion but one which holds a certain heartfelt, “110%”, sense of failure when I came close to do no such thing. Any who…
“A Night on...
Happy Birthday from Miley & Hannah!!!
Dear BIGGEST FAN,
Hannah here! I just wanted to wish you a super happy Birthday! All you fans out there keep me going on these long tours. Your energy, your support, your love, it means sooooo much to me. Thanks a Billion!
Miley here, look, what Hannah meant to say was, make sure you ask your parents to buy the new Hannah Montana DVDs, Hannah Montana Singing Doll (only $30.99), or the Playhut...
Dear Cannibal Steve #2
Dear Cannibal Steve,
I know you’ve probably gotten a lot of this… it’s just; I don’t know where to turn. I’m one of those millions of Americans who is about to lose my home to the mortgage crisis. I’ll admit, I took out a mortgage I couldn’t really afford, but I thought I’d find some way to manage… somehow. Anyway, I have a family to support, two little girls, and my career as an electrician just...
Dear Cannibal Steve
Dear Cannibal Steve,
My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17,...
An Open Letter to Mt. Everest
I write this as I finish, well as Akun (my Sherpa,) finishes the final check on our equipment. Moments from now, we will begin our ascent to the Day 1 base camp, our first step in conquering your peak and thus, defeating you.
You have been the center of my nightmares for years now, ever since you claimed the life of my father in early 1997, and now you are about to pay dearly. My father was...
Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery
I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our haloed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult lose.
However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.
Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of...
More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders. Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.
As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We...
Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who...
1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.
If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.
If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”
2. If they bring up a team that seems to...